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Know that you and your child are not alone.
It is estimated that 1 in 20 children lose a parent by 16.
Nearly every child or teen will experience the loss of a loved one or friend.
It is a tough time as you and your child go through this process.
Each child experiences, processes and responds to grief differently.
What are the symptoms of grief?
Symptoms vary by age and personality, but helpful signs to look for include the following:
If your child was outgoing and now becomes more withdrawn.
If your child was highly motivated in areas of their life and now wants to stay in their room.
If you notice a change in your child’s behavior, such as acting out more.
They never had trouble with sleep, but they do now.
They are disobeying rules or using substances such as alcohol or drugs.
Their grades are declining in school.
They are having difficulty getting along with family or friends.
They are struggling with concentrating and making decisions, where this was not a problem before.
They are worried about dying, others dying.
They seem overly anxious, worried, tense, or are having a tough time separating from adult caretakers.
They are over-eating or under-eating.
They seem depressed or sad most days.
Talking to Your Child about Death and Grief
Explaining death and helping your child cope with a loss of a loved one, especially a parent or a sibling, is difficult and extremely painful.
Whether or not they express themselves in obvious ways, children do grieve and often deeply.
While there is no perfect way that will completely ease their pain, here are some helpful tips on how to approach this challenge.
Things to Avoid Saying to Your Grieving Child
“I know you are in pain now, but it will pass soon.”
Your child may feel like you are dismissing their pain, or they may feel that they now need to hide their feelings.
Helpful: What can I do to help you?
“Now is the time to be brave or strong.”
Your child may think that now they need to protect others by hiding or ignoring their feelings.
Helpful: How can I support you?
“I know how you feel.”
We never know what another is thinking unless we ask.
Helpful: Would you like to share how you are feeling?
“At least…”
Although adults may feel relieved by knowing or saying, “at least the loved one is not suffering anymore” or “at least others from the crash survived,” adolescents are not usually comforted with these thoughts.
Helpful: Would you like to share some happy or sad memories?
“You must be sad (hurt, lonely, or angry).”
Kids may think this is how you want them to feel or react and then agree, thinking that is the right thing to do.
Helpful: Can I sit with you right now and you can share any thoughts if you want?
“I have been where you are now.”
This feels like a parent is shifting their attention to themself. Your child may feel like they need to support you or may feel hurt if your child views your loss as less painful.
Helpful: Would you like to go for a walk, or we could do some breathing exercises together?
How to Help Children Cope with Grief at Each Age
Infants and Toddlers
Children this age do not know what death is, but they can sense what a caregiver is feeling.
Allow yourself time to grieve.
Take care of yourself.
Try to stay consistent with as many routines as possible.
It helps minimize as more disruptions in your lives.
Try to avoid separation from your child as much as possible.
Try to give them more physical attention to provide as much comfort as possible.
This will help them feel more secure.
Pre-School Age
Kids tend to think things are temporary at this age.
For example, characters on shows may fall off a cliff and then come back.
So, they are more likely to think death is temporary.
They take things very literally.
This means you should tell them about death in simple, clear, and truthful way.
If you tell them, “Grandma has gone to sleep” or “Grandpa went on a long trip.” Your child may then develop a fear of sleeping or going on trips/vacations.
When tell your child about the person’s death, you can share memories and assure your child that the memories will last forever.
School-Age Children
Between 5 and 7 years old most kids will begin to understand the concept of death, but the loss is usually hard for them to accept. They will usually notice that something is different.
When you talk to your child about death be honest and keep it simple.
Share that death is natural.
Do not worry about not having the right words.
They will likely need help finding the right words to describe their feelings.
Be patient. Your child may ask the same questions multiple times as they try to understand what has happened.
Continue to keep a close eye on your child.
They may need extra hugs, attention or may seem more fearful.
This is all normal.
Listening and supporting your child during this hard time are key.
By being physically close to them, you are providing comfort and a feeling of being safe, which they may need more of now.
Tweens and Teens
At this stage most kids understand death like adults do.
The harder struggle is that usually they don’t want to talk about their feelings.
Your child may want to be in their room more or alone even at mealtimes.
They may avoid socializing with family and/or friends.
They may start drinking, using drugs, or taking part in risky behaviors.
Your child can be helped by:
Having lots of patience.
Role modeling self-care and healthy coping strategies.
Don’t be afraid to ask your child if they would like to join you on a walk, doing yoga, practicing deep breathing, having fun with friends or finding a new hobby together.
When To Contact Your Child’s Healthcare Team
Your child is using substances like drugs and alcohol to cope.
Your child is getting into fights with family, friends, or classmates.
You are concerned about your child’s mood.
Your child is doing things that are dangerous.
You think your child needs to be seen.
If your child has talked about suicide taking their life or any plan to, take your child to the nearest Emergency Room.
Resources
Here are some helpful topic-specific information and guidance from the National Alliance for Children’s Grief (NACG):
Talking to Children about Death and Dying
https://indd.adobe.com/view/23176ffb-5edf-4640-b906-3318ea8808c0
Telling a Child Someone has Died
https://indd.adobe.com/view/1006d8fd-c2ac-4894-84ea-8d2f392d47eb
Supporting Children Grieving a Substance-Use Related Death
https://indd.adobe.com/view/c2339eb6-de38-4478-ba76-1eb8b664db95
Supporting Children Grieving a Death by Suicide
https://indd.adobe.com/view/797974f7-5353-4834-b48c-cefe12464ded
Supporting a Friend Who is Grieving (for the child or teen)
https://indd.adobe.com/view/d99a47d1-7eee-4ac6-91bf-f689df654f4b
Managing Anxiety and Fear for You and Your Children
https://vimeo.com/400371265/8293c90183
The Dougy Center
Child Mind Institute
The Invisible String
Patrice Karst, Joanne Lew-Vriethoff, 2018
A bestselling picture book that heals generations with its message of unbreakable connection between loved ones.
Guiding Your Child Through Grief
Mary Ann and James Emswiller, 2000
Give your child the help and support needed to cope with grief and loss.
Healing a Child’s Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas for Families, Friends, and Caregivers
Alan Wolfelt, 2001
This series teaches that the most important thing a person can do is listen, have compassion, be there for support, and do something helpful.
Talking About Death, A Dialogue Between Parent and Child
Earl Grollman, 2011
A compassionate guide for adults and children to read together.
Connecting your child or teen to other children who have or are experiencing similar loss and grief can be healing.
To find a Grief Support Center or Camp for Your Child:
https://nacg.org/find-support/
Camp Hope California (CHC)
Free Grief Camp for children ages 14-17 yo who have experienced the recent death of a loved one and are coping with grief.
Dates: May and October
Location: Boys and Girls Club, La Mesa
Register at: www.camphopeCA.com
Questions and Email Forms: [email protected]
This publication was adapted from information within American Academy of Pediatrics Patient Education Handouts, Healthychildren.org, National Alliance for Children’s Grief (NACG), and Seattle Children’s Hospital.
Reviewed by: PL MD, AR D.O., TT D.O., JW MD | 06/2025