Why you should talk with your teen about Sex

• Teens are curious about sex, whether you talk with them about it or not.  
• It will help your teen make better-informed decisions about sex.  
• Youths are exposed to sexual messages every day.  
  • Only a small amount of what is seen in the media shows healthy sexual behavior or gives correct information.  
• Your teen may feel they “know it all” but this is unlikely.  
• Parents often fear that if they talk about sex, their teen may want to try it.
  • Studies show that teens whose parents talk openly about sex are more responsible in their sexual behavior and are less likely to have sex at a younger age.

Tips for Talking about Sex

• Start Early – Begin when your children first ask questions like “Where do babies come from?”  
• Explain in an age-appropriate way.  
• First ask your child what they have heard about sex. It can be easier to start with that and build your conversation from there.
• If you wait until your children are teenagers, they will probably learn their first lessons about sex from other sources.  
• Teens who look to friends and the media for answers are the most likely to get into trouble, such as getting sexually transmitted infections (STIs) or becoming pregnant due to misinformation.

Be prepared

• Read about the subject.
• Practice what you plan to say.  
• Speak calmly and clearly.

Be Honest

• Let your teen know that it’s important that information about sex comes from you.  
• State that even though you would prefer that your values be accepted, decisions about sex are ultimately up to your teen.
• If your teen disagrees with you or gets angry, take heart, you have been heard.  
• Be real. Provide accurate information. Use simple language but respect their intelligence and curiosity. Above all, avoid talking down to children and teens about sex. 

Listen

• Give your teen a chance to talk and ask questions.  
• It’s important that you give your full attention. 

Try to Strike a Balance

• While teens need privacy, they also need information and guidance from parents.  
• Your teen should know that you’re asking out of love and concern, especially because sex can lead to potentially harmful situations.
• If your teen is quiet when you try to talk about sex, say what you have to say anyway. Your message may get through.  

Questions

• Answer your teen’s questions according to your values, even if you think your values are old-fashioned.
• If you feel strongly that sex before marriage is wrong, share this feeling with your teen and explain why you feel that way.
• Avoid lecturing – encourage open communication by listening to your child- they may have lots of questions or things they want to talk about.

Examples of Questions Your Teen May Have

• When can I start dating?
• When is it OK to kiss another person?
• How will I know when I’m ready to have sex?
• Is oral sex really sex?
• Won’t having sex help me keep my relationship?
• How do I say no?
• What do I do if someone tries to force me to have sex?

Peer Pressure

• Teens face a lot of peer pressure to have sex.
• If they aren’t ready to have sex, they may feel left out.  
• 50% of teens wait until after high school to have sex, and there are benefits of waiting.  
• Not having sex (oral, vaginal, and anal) provides 100% protection against getting STIs and becoming pregnant, and it provides less emotional stress if there’s a breakup. 

Sex and STIs

• Having sex exposes them to the risk of getting STIs.  
• The only sure way to prevent STIs is not to have sex.
• Common STIs include chlamydia, gonorrhea, human papillomavirus (HPV) infection, herpes, HIV/AIDS, and trichomoniasis.
• HPV is the main cause of anal, cervical, and penile cancer.
• Condoms (male or female) are the safest method to reduce the risk of getting most STIs and should always be used.  
• If both partners are abstinent before marriage or are in a long-term, mature relationship; have never had an STI; and have sex only with each other, they are not at risk.

Monogamy (Only One Partner)

• Many teens have heard that monogamy is “safe sex”; however, they misunderstand and believe that having one partner and then switching and having another partner and then switching again is monogamy.  
• Monogamy can mean having only one sexual partner at a time or only one sexual partner in a lifetime.  
• Being in a sexual relationship with one person for a long time lowers the rate of infection, compared to being sexually active with more than one person or someone who changes partners after some time.

Birth Control

• Teens need to know about birth control whether they decide to have sex or not.  
• If your teen doesn’t know about birth control, an unplanned pregnancy might result.  
• Teens can access birth control from a health care professional without parental permission in many states.
  Teens also need to keep in mind that birth control pills, the birth control shot, contraceptive patches, rings, implants, and intrauterine devices prevent only pregnancy; they don’t protect against getting STIs, including HIV/AIDS.  
• Condoms and another reliable birth control method need to be used each time to help reduce the risk of getting STIs and becoming pregnant.

Date Rape

• Date (or acquaintance) rape is a serious problem for teens. It happens when a person your teen knows—for example, a date, friend, or neighbor—forces your teen to have sex.  
• Make sure your teen understands that “no always means no.”  
• Dating in groups, instead of alone, and avoiding drugs and alcohol reduce the risk of experiencing date rape.

Sexuality

• Many teens have questions about heterosexuality, homosexuality, and bisexuality. (Understanding LGBTQ+ Terms)
• Many teens and young people go through a stage when they wonder, “Am I gay?”
• It often happens when a teen is attracted to a friend of the same sex or has a crush on a teacher of the same sex.  
• This is common and doesn’t necessarily mean your teen is gay, lesbian, or bisexual. Click here to learn more about sexual attraction and orientation. 
• If your teen is gay, lesbian, or bisexual, your love and acceptance is important.

Masturbation  

• Masturbation is a normal and healthy part of human sexuality and shouldn’t be discouraged.  
• Discuss this in terms of your values.  
• Talk with your teen’s primary healthcare provider if they can’t limit masturbation to a private place—for example, a bedroom or bathroom.

If You Can’t Talk With Your Teen About Sex

• Ask your teen’s primary healthcare provider; a trusted support such as a relative, school teacher, counselor, or nurse. Many parents turn to their religious leader such a minister, priest, or rabbi for help.  
• Some parents find it helpful to give their teens a book on human sexuality and say, “Take a look at this, and let’s talk.” Your primary care provider can offer some suggestions.
• Find resources in your community, such as clinics, hotlines, therapeutic specialists, and support groups, in case you or your children need more help

Remember

• Talking with your teenager is an ongoing discussion and not just one “big talk.”
• You are the best person to teach your teen about sex, relationships, love, commitment, and respect.  
• These talks will help your teen develop a solid value system, even if it’s different from your own. 

This publication was adapted from Information from the American Academy of Pediatrics Patient Education Materials  

Reviewed by: SC MD 7/2024