We are here to help

Our role as primary care providers is to help you navigate this and to help you along the way if your child has questions. While it may seem that young children are too little to talk about gender, kids get messages about gender from the day they are born.  

It may be helpful to discuss definitions

• Gender: A label that is typically assigned at birth based on genetics and physical appearance such as genitals, chromosomes, and sex hormone levels.  
• Gender Identity: One’s internal sense of who one is.  
• Gender Expression: The way a child expresses gender. This may be with clothing, hair style, activities, or social roles.
• Gender Congruence:  The majority of children are gender congruent which means their understanding of their gender matches the gender assigned to them at birth (male or female).  
• Gender Diverse or Gender Exploring:  This is an umbrella term to describe many different labels that people may use when their gender identity, expression or understanding of themself does not conform to what others would expect of them.  
• According to many studies, it is now known that children can reliably understand gender at age four.  
• Gender expression is different from role playing. There are many boys who play with dolls and wear pink dresses when playing who do not have questions about their gender.  
  • Similarly, girls can sport short hair and play football and are not questioning their gender.  
  • A lot of kids are just exploring and playing.
• However, if your child seems insistent about having a different gender, they are probably trying to tell you something.

From Darlene Tando, an LCSW in this field

• Gender Is beautiful. It can be all one color, a mix of colors, a blend or a little bit of every color.
• You can only know someone’s gender when they can tell you how they feel. Your gender, feeling like a boy/girl/both/neither is how you feel inside your heart and your brain.

Some people have the heart and brain of a girl.

Some people have the heart and brain of a boy.

Some people feel like both a boy and a girl, or a blend of these genders.

Some people feel like neither a boy nor a girl, or something different altogether.

You are the one who knows your gender best and ANY WAY YOU ARE IS OK.

When I was a baby, people thought I was a ___________.

I have the heart of a ___________.

I have the brain of a ____________.

If I had it my way, people would treat me like

A BOY        A GIRL        BOTH        NEITHER.

If I had it my way, my name would be _____________.

The most important take home lessons

• Strong parent support is key.
• Love your child for who they are.
• Create a welcoming environment at home.
• Talk with your child about gender identity.
• Ask your child questions in a supportive, open way.  
• Read books that address gender together.
• Do not pressure your child to change who they are.

Books

The Conscious Parent’s Guide to Gender Identity: a mindful approach to embracing your Childs Authentic Self, by Darlene Tando.

This article was written by Dr. Veronica Naudin.  Information was adapted from articles written and published by Darlene Tando, LCSW. Article was reviewed and approved by Darlene Tando.

Reviewed by:  CPCMG LGBTQ Task Force Members and TT, D.O. 06/2024